Annoying drunk and loud twat at the bar in cool pub last night. He was clearly well off, and wanted everyone to know in no uncertain terms. All of this is punctuated with loud guffawing and plenty of leaning back and looking to see if anyone, sorry everyone was listening or not. His voice could most charitably be considered 'strident'.
(paraphrased, because I don't remember the actual dates mentioned, as I care not):
Twat: "Oh, I know Nice like.....well..... Go there all the time. Grew up there, actually. See, if I were to walk out of the hotel (that the other guy had mentioned) I can turn left, and there is a cafe here (points) and a pastry store here (points to his other side) and the coffee is really good in the cafe.... (falters as example of in depth knowledge of Nice by locating cafes suddenly sounds FUCKING STUPID).... yeah, anyway, I know it that well. Oh yes."
Other, quieter guy then starts an anecdote and the conversation drifts to the woman that is - from what I can tell - with Twat, which Twat is not at all keen on happening and drags conversation back to him. Physically. By turning the guy in his chair and starting again:
Twat: "Yeah... HAHAHAHA! Oh, we had such a good time, you have no idea. It was so great. Seriously. HAHAHA! One night..... no.... one night...... no, listen. Wait, listen. One night we were there, me and Jamie, sitting there on the balcony drinking 94 Bollinger, smoking Monte 2's while the sun came up. It was a-mazing, you have no idea" (Guffaws and mentally pats self on the back. Loudly, if that is possible.)
He then went on to give several anecdotes that revolved around much the same thing. About how fucking great it was, how the guy had no idea how much fun they had, and every other one involved him ending up somewhere "simply wonderful" drinking a '72 pisswater or something, and smoking (again) a 'Monte 2' and leaning back and (I don't doubt) being pissing loud about it. I wanted to stab his eyes out for being such a prick. With my table.
Life is, dear poor and worthless 'normal people', only ever good when you are drinking wine and smoking cigars. And they better be good, name ones, or you may as well die. You'll never have fun. You have no idea.
The table of girls next to me had, despite their own loud conversation, noticed dickhead yelling how great he was and one of them had caught me looking over, shaking my head and mouthing 'Twat' to myself and had giggled and rolled her eyes at me. So, of course, I rolled them back to her. Arf. Anyway, the girls left shortly afterwards, and the girl that had laughed about Twat said to me:
"Well, er, have fun with your friend there, won't you?" and laughed.
I raised my eyebrow (the left one, if detail matters to you) and opined that if Twat should decide to take over their table after they left, I'd never talk to her again. Apparently, this was amusing, and she apologised, profusely and pre-emptively, and left.
Fortunately, Twat staggered out into the cold night air shortly afterwards, which is why I am not in a police station somewhere having a statement taken. There was a very amusing incident when, while attempting to be really pally and 'in' with teh barman, he slapped the guy on the back hard enough at some joke (HAHAHAHAHA!!!!) he had made and the barman was just cringing. Written all over his face was the ubiquitous 'if you hadn't spent the best part of several hundred dollars in here, I'd kick your drunk arse onto the street' face. I liked him immediately just for that.